BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
You Might Also Like
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.