Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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I mean…but I did
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*lint rolls you awake*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”