[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.