[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Growing out my freckles.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I’m about to risk it all
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.