Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
#titanic
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure