So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
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I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.