Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…