My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”