Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.