Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
You Might Also Like
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If snakes were wide
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Dishonest mechanic?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.