Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
happy valentine’s day to me
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Huge, if true.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me