Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.