Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.