Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
peep davidson
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.