Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it