My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
this is funnier than any friends episode
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
reduce, reuse, recycle
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.