IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
You Might Also Like
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now