“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.