Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.