I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
You Might Also Like
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.