HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle