Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more