My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.