I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Ape together strong
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot