Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.