*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Social Media and Real life
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!