Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.