Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
A short story about romance.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.