Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Does your wife know you’re single?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.