Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
You Might Also Like
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.