What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You Might Also Like
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Erm I’m gonna say no
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
🤭😂
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
how it started vs how it ended