I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
my dad has had enough
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
LOL
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google