Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
? 💀
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.