My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS