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I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will