….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
True freaking story!
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.