When your parents check you’re ok.
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.