[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Lunatics are gonna loon.