colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed