[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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OH. COME. ON.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Remember folks 😂
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this