5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Super Hand Dog Face
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]