[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
FINE, I WON’T.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
honestly, i need both:
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”