I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Running from your problems is cardio .
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.