Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
excuse me
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Legend 🤣🤣
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.