If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Wait a minute…
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.