Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Any refunds available?…
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.