I think the cat got the dog high.
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough