The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
#Caturday
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.