A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.