{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.